you know what really chaps my ass...

We all do vastly irritating things. I am just as guilty of this as anyone. This is intended to be a lively entertaining satire. That is not to say that what I am describing here is not true, just that it should be taken lightly and with an air of buffoonery in mind.

1. Eating Beef Jerky in a Car

Seriously! What kind of asshole subjects a carload of captive passengers to that hellacious meaty raunchfest? Beef jerky is delicious and is often purchased at gas stations, especially on long road trips, but it stinks. Jerky possesses a particularly potent aroma that invades the olfactory glands with more vehemence than the Maltese citizens defending their city at the Siege of Malta. This unpleasant bouquet of bovine meat-balm induces biliousness that lasts for hours. I can recollect a particular road trip with my family where I spent three hours sitting next to my brother after he went to town on a fistful of spicy peppered jerky sticks. It only took him about twenty minutes to savor the jerky, then he spent a while picking the residual muscle fibers from his teeth, then the caustic burping began. The ride ended with me tossing my cookies in a parking lot.

2. Novelty Mustache Kitsch

Yes, mustaches are great… when they are on a man’s face. The mouthbrow is a symbol of virile masculinity, and I have a particular fondness for genuine machismo. Fake mustaches are fun too, especially the valiantly tacky porn ‘stache, or an adorable little toothbrush moustache sharpied onto your pet’s unwitting, innocent face. This is where the line should be drawn. Your glittery pink iPhone case speckled with cute little handlebar mustaches is dumb. You look really dumb with that phone pressed against your face as you discuss foreign policy with the unlucky recipient of your trivial chatter. You cannot grow a mustache, and you probably don’t date men with mustaches; why do you think this is cute, or fun, or quirky, or whatever it is you are aiming for with that ridiculous thing? There are a multitude of other silly novelty items being produced: mustache t-shirts, mustache key chains, mustaches on champagne flutes, mustache jewelry, the mustache on a stick, and whatever else the marketing professionals can pull out of their hineys to get you to spend your money. And bless your little heart with that mustache on the grill of your car.

3. Wedge Sneakers

This is a new trend that I just cannot get on board with. The purpose of wedges and heels is to dress up an outfit. Tennis shoes are for athletic activities or perhaps casually running errands. Why in the name of Christmas would you combine these two very different things? The formal sneaker with all of the Velcro straps and leather accents is just plain ugly. These shoes do not make your sloppy casual outfit look more put-together or fashionable, and why do you care so much about making comfort fashionable? If you want to be comfortable and casual embrace it. Put on some ballet flats or moccasins or something that is charming and actually comfortable.

4. Oversensitivity to Bodily Functions

I am going to talk turkey about this one. There is a distinct difference between unabashedly letting a badger loose in your date’s face, and accidentally letting a fart slip after a meal. If you do happen to let out a quack, politely excuse yourself and let it go. Do not continue to over-analyze how disgusted the other person must be with you and apologize repeatedly, if you let it go they will likely do the same. The same goes for bowel movements. Everyone does this. I will never understand the person that cannot use a public toilet and has to hold it until they can get home to use their own commode; it is both unhealthy and painful. There is obviously no need to discuss defecating with your friends and colleagues or advertise your trip to drop the kids off at the pool, but you shouldn’t be ashamed either. All of our bodies essentially work in the same way and it is really nothing to burn a mule over… except for me, I obviously don’t do that, I pray and Jesus takes the food from my belly.

5. Using a Filter to Make Things ‘Deep’

That rotting apple you found on the ground in the park, then ran through a Kelvin filter on Instagram, is not a metaphor for the transient nature of life. It is a decomposing half-eaten apple. You are not Nietzsche; you are likely a twenty-something with a degree in English Lit or Sociology sloughing your way through the marshy swamp of life. The banality of your next Instagram post #natureisdeep #prettydecomposition #litteringsuxx #globalwarmingiskillingmotherearth, does not make up for your lack of ambition or desire to do something about it. Snark, snark, snark.