"hey Alex!"

I am full of frightening facts and statistics. They flood my mind and overflow into the ears of my friends and acquaintances, often ruining the mood and appalling those around me.  My poor roommate Alex, for example, will be in his room at night and has to suffer through me popping in every ten to fifteen minutes, delivering an upsetting remark, then leaving, only to return again and upset his evening further with another fact.

“Hey Alex! I just thought you should know that 1 in 6 people have an STD.”

“Yo, Alex! Someone just died somewhere.”

“Do you know that the leading cause of divorce is marriage?”

“Hey man, I thought you might be interested to know that in the last year 835,000 men were assaulted by their intimate partners.”

“Hey buddy, what are you up to? Did you know that 42% of people admit to peeing in the shower? The other 58% are liars.”

“AAAAAALEX! Nine million children under the age of five die every year from treatable illnesses and diseases like pneumonia and diarrhea.”

“Dude! Did you know that there are between 35 and 50 active serial killers living in the U.S. at any given moment?”

“Hey friend! Breast cancer kills 300 men every year. Just thought you should know, maybe cop a feel on yourself every once in a while.”

“Sooo… one in seven married women are raped… by their husbands…”

“Hello. There are approximately 45 murders a day in the U.S. That’s about 1-2 murders every hour. So while you just watched that episode of Supernatural, two people probably died a horrible gruesome death. How does that OctoberFest taste?”

“Did you know that the average cost for a modern-day slave is only 90$!? Yeah, they sill have those… want to go halfsies?”

“Alex, Alex, ALEX! The average person emits flatulence fourteen times a day. Yeah, I just heard that through the wall.”

The list of atrocities goes on and on, but you get the gist. I haven’t a clue why I continue to spew these unmitigated facts at my poor friends, and living with me means Alex in particular has to endure far more than the average person subjected to my company. Thanks pal! You are a real sport.